A Gaming Life - part 1

Weeks back while i was brainstorming, and while my attention was pointed in all the wrong directions ( i was at work ), a juicy idea spawned in my thoughts making me yell : LE FUCK !!!

A gaming life, my gaming life. It`s been some time now, since i wanted to do a post like this. This is less of a review about a particular game and more of a review about most of the games i ever played, more precise, about the sweet, yet banal factor in all games, the one factor i love the most : the enemies/monsters/AI. Though storylines/graphics/gameplay and other elements are important, i always liked a "challenge".

The classical way to start a "menu"-like post about mobs would be something about the most common emo`s in most games : humans.
The best way to describe the humans (and a few other RPG races ) would be something like this : Humans are versatile, yet incompetent. This average and unremarkable race can choose any job, which it will always perform in a halfassed way. This race is a perfect choice for new players and people in a hurry. Humans can pick any job but they excel as warriors, mobsters, farmers and estate agents. A good definition indeed but yet, incomplete. After generating an image about the complete gaming world one can safely say that humans can be found in most of the games doing most of the shit and still sucking at it - from miners, farmers to sharpshooters, snipers and demolition experts. Humans are remarkable ... but only when it comes to dying: they can be hacked, slashed, shocked, vaporised, shot, kicked in the balls/head, blown up, thrown of high places, poisoned, frozen, burned, pissed on, squashed, smashed, ran over, polymorphed into shit, sent into bizarre parallel emo worlds, etc, etc. The list goes on forever but still, when killing a human, I actually have FUN, therefore killing people is fun. If it`s either Postal, Manhunt, Grand Theft Auto, Red Faction, Jedi Academy or whatever ... humans always will die in a funny way. Take Red Faction for example, the "guards" may seem tough, but after planting a remote bomb on them they`ll run and act like crazed fags. In most of the shooters the humans will drop dead in the most gay/emo/funniest possible positions ever. I still think that a shotgun + human enemy = art.
It`s only natural to continue with humanoids, big or small, human like creatures i encountered mostly in RPGs and sometimes in RTSs. According to Wikipedia the term "humanoid" refers to any being whose body structure resembles that of a human. In this sense, the term indeed describes primates, as well as mythological creatures and artificial organisms (robots), especially in the context of science fiction and fantasy fiction. An android is a humanoid robot designed to look like a specific gender(mostly gay). When it comes to gaming I have to think about humanoids as trolls, primates, goblins, mutants, ghouls(Fallout power !!!) and shit like that. The thing about humanoids are pure and amazingly simple: they all and yes i mean ALL of them have one thing in common: a great strength and a greater weakness. For example: trolls have great strength therefore doing tons of damage but they run/walk really fucking slow, making them kiteable(shoot and run), motherfucking goblins usually represent one hit kill only because they have low hit points, low strength, mediocre speed but to compensate all this they will try to ZERG the player (waste of pixels if you ask me). In theory there should be tons of text here about humanoids but frankly i don`t see the point.
Since i got my mind filled with info about "nature"`s freaks i`ll carry one with nature itself. Mother nature must really be a whore, because if i try to generalize all the shit it can throw at the occasional gamer in a game or real life i have a real chance of getting hit by a lighting or something, but hey ... here it goes. Animals are one of the most common enemies the whore can trow at a gamer, but ... because we gamers are unnaturally smart we can summon animals to our cause, sometimes. These four(more or less) legged beasts try to be a pain in the ass in most types of games but in my opinion they represent a real threat only in FPSs and RTS, while being attacked by a dog in most first person shooters my target/pointer will try to jump out the screen, so try to be a little more careful when you hear a bark or a growling. On the other hand in a strategy game, a well placed dog can do wonders, on infantry(humans mostly), just think about Command and Conquer : Red Alert / Tiberian sun. During the creation of animals in FPSs and some RTSs mother nature surely used a condom because when i look at other games i can barely believe it, in Warcraft 3 there actually is a race devoted to hugging trees, whom you can also see in other games, mosty RPGs and MMOs. Other farts also known as animals appear in the gaming life, but, again, mostly in RPGs and MMOs. The good part about the farts in RPGs is that game developers managed to add series of quests with nice rewards ... quests that involve killing animals, quest like : bring me 9999999 rat tails for a nice pair of pants or a better weapon which you`ll use to kill other animals and ... eventually save the world. The thing about animals is this, they are either fast, either strong, either unworthy of being noticed.
During the obvious buttfuck with a tree the treehugger race spawned like crazy, they are called Elves. The elves are a race of gimps and (if i include the Dark/Night elves) porn stars. This race is amazing, visually speaking the males are nothing more than fags, nazis and whelps. World of Warcraft and Lineage 2 are the best example, possible if you want to see how an elf male looks like in any kind of armor (heavy/light/robe) in L2, you can see for yourself here. Females however seem to have all the power in this would-be society, they look good in any possible armor and in any possible situation. Enough about how they look for now, in the gaming world elfs excel in dexterity, stealth, intelligence and wisdom, therefore the only good classes for them are : archers, mages and healers/buffers. But even in most of the RTSs i ever played it`s easily noticeable that the elf "army" is made mostly out of females, the males in ones army are either workers/builders, healers/druids or crybabies. But this doesn`t have to mean that males can`t use weapons or cast spells ... it just looks bad if they do. I guess ... that`s what you get if you worship nature`s creations instead of eating them. Sadly nature means life, therefore... thinking about this from the start, don`t be amazed if a tree tries to kill you or some strange treehugging hybrid between plants and skinheads. I guess it`s a safe bet that insects will also try to kill you, but at least the insects are special in the gaming life, they are either giant, strong and fast or small and insignificant but travel in swarms and occasionally try to explode once they`re near you (thinking Half Life and more). But you don`t have to worry about them... the only good place to find them is a HIVE or near a hive. Besides the usually resistant shell you don`t have to worry about anything so feel free to explore a nearby hive and ... if you`re lucky you might find the boss of the hive(Queen usually). After all of my encounters with hives and queens i managed to draw the conclusion : getting to a queen is a lot harder than defeating it.
After all that chitchat about treehuggers and bush-humpers it would only be fair to jump to not-so-emo-life-hating undead bastards. You can find the living dead everywhere ... if you are either a shotgun expert or a bow master you can bet your sweet ammunition that the number of the bastard zombies will be a lot greater than the number of you bullets or arrows. Skeleton, zombie, lich, MMO player, ghost, hippie or vampire ... the name barely matters.. they all have one thing in common: they hate the living and want to see them dead. For example : if you have an undead race character i`m sure you hate the living people because all of them are trying to tell you to get a life or something like this. The main undead foe seems to be the skeletons, they are fast, they can handle just about any class(even my blind neighbor saw skeleton mages/archers), travel in groups ... if they travel at all .... and most important, they are a good source of xp for RPG and MMO players. These boneheads require one or 2 hits to die (unless it`s a mother of a skeleton from Warcarft 3 or the frist boss in Painkiller), again (in theory), and their dying animation is usually fun. Unlike the skeletons the zombies seem to have some flesh on their bones, thus making them heavier and therefore slower but they seem to hit harder, a lot harder and they also seem to be more resistant to damage, not too much damage but at least they can take a hit. Out of all the undead units these bastards are the most interesting. They seem to evolve and it`s a clear fact that they want to take over the world. The signs are everywhere: In the beginning they seemed to be mindless wastes of flesh moving extremely slow. Later, after probably realizing that the only thing destroyable for them are the trees and the occasional window, they started throwing things at me (lifeless objects or even parts of them). Against all odds, after realizing that they are farmable, the sacks of meat began using weapons (axes/swords/branches). It won`t be long until I`ll be seeing them doing human-like stuff, such as adopting little abandoned zombie dogs as pets, writing their own blogs,etc etc. I didn`t want to believe that the gaming world could be threatened by zombies until i saw this, this can sound really hard to believe but it`s for real. Zombies can already be found as main characters in Action/Adventure/RPG/MMOs games and more : movies, comics and anime series. Seesh ... i wonder if the bonehead Grim Fandango is their idle. Also, zombie-like bastards appeared in the gaming world, mummies, the fallout ghouls ... etcetera ... etcetera. I don`t care if a bored necromancer wanted to wake up the dead, if any alien bug has taken control of any emo on it`s way to self destruction, if any virus went loose in some underground secret facility or if hell is full ... i just want them dead... for real !!!
All this evilness makes me thirsty of some real evil, Demons, the best of the best, and only because ... "It`s good to be bad!" When i`m thinking demons i think : destruction, chaos, DEATH TO THE EMOs and all that sweet pain and cruelty. Unlike the undead who would rather curse their enemies, the beloved devils tend to nuke their foes, fact which is usually bad for the player because he`s one getting nuked. Demons are a rare race in the FPS world but they seem to excel in RPGs, MMOs and RTSs (ahhh Dungeon Keeper never gets old). As a foe the only demon enemy not worth too much effort is the Imp, unlike all the other Demons the imp is really weak and a good hit will kill him. But where`s an imp there`s a HellHound or... in the worst case scenario, a dragon who is playing with the imp. No worries here also because if you find yourself fighting with a dragon .. well heh ... welcome to the undead, this unless you have IMBA pro skills and tons of pure luck.
Too much talk about the sugary demons can get me diabetes so it`s only healthy for me to change the subject to a more salty race: The Divine Motherfuckers, and just like a party member from the 7th hell once told me in NWN 2 : His aura makes my skin itchy ! as we encountered a emo with a stick in his hand and a cross on his shield (most of you might know this kind of emos as Paladins). While the demons are masters of offense (super strong attacks, great nukes, and a good aim) the Divine pieces of shit are mostly known for their defensive ways, i think it all started when a dude turned his other cheek after receiving a hit (probably to balance the pain). What i`m trying to say here is : LE FUCK !!! The divine bags of diarrhea are good shield and mace users, using their holy powers to heal and protect themselves and others. The only good damage dealing unit are monks and Angels.
Angels have proven themselves time and time again as the ultimate foe (except bosses). Having good offensive, an even better defensive, they can really pack some damage. The thing i can`t really understand is: why based on defense ? Sure they can use the holy strength and light to do damage, and in some cases tend to come back from the grave after killing them (Lineage2 for example). It`s a well know fact that the best defense is strong offense, the strongest offense a divine shitbag has is in most cases is a wannabe hint filled with riddles, LE FUCK!! .. why give me hints and quests when they could join up, literary speaking, it`s like donating a wooden sword instead of a good one and the player has Bow expertise. The only good fight against an angel-like foe, as i recall, it`s from Devil May Cry 3, my sweet keyboard didn`t have a chance against them, but that never stopped me. The ArchAngels in Heroes have proven themselves to be good enough in a fight ... but, my money is on the Devils. Fallen Angels are also very common these days, fighting like berserks, dying like morons.
Good and Evil ... Black and White ... Ing and Yang ... it`s all about the point of view, so it`s time for a more neutral point of view, an extraterrestrial point of view, in other words: Aliens, big headed ugly fucks with no point of view and a secret agenda as big as hell. But i guess not all aliens are ugly, there are a few cases in which alien chicks look almost good, if you can ignore the tentacles. Aliens seem to have beaten the zombies when it comes to evolution: hi-tech weapons, big round spaceships and a nice advertising line: We come in peace !!! MY ASS !!!. They all seem to come in peace and tend to leave in pieces. These fucks always want to take over or destroy Earth in just about any game, i can`t really blame them, destroying a planet filled with emos is a good thing in my agenda. Their appearance seems to vary from big headed skinny fags to brute-like motherfuckers. I can say that some of the best games in which aliens can be found are: StarCraft, Half-Life, Advent Rising, Destroy all Humans, Alien vs Predator, StarWars, and so on (this list can really be big). In first person shooters the best way to get rid of the alien freaks is to add a few bullets to the head or a grenade at the right time and place. In strategy games aliens even develop bases, they seem to lack luck in RTSs though ... every place, where they build a base, gets nuked, don`t know why, it just seems to happen. However they look or act like they all seem to evolve ... if it`s instinct (ZERG/Alien) or technology (Protos/Predator). In other games they can be found using instincts and technology, like in Advent Risingfor example, but no worries there ... at least one human survived, and he`s only 30% emo, and did i mention he`s a god?
Aliens aren`t the only ones using high-tech weapons and toilets, if it comes to high-tech, the Robots are a real threat. All sizes, all models, all the possible ways to eliminate a player. Though they sounds complicated, as enemies they are remarkable weak and simple. Bots follow a precise pattern and have various weak spots. Most of them are directly guided by emos but the smart ones like to evolve. In Mech Warrior and Mech Commander for example the bots are controlled by brain-dead humans, meaning that they will try to avoid damage and at the same time will try to eliminate the threat. When self aware(AI) bots turn into target practice, usually they stand still and fire, but this happens mostly in RTSs. I can barely call the bots a race, but they sure make a good faction. In most self respecting action/shooters if you destroy a vital part of a bot, it`s only normal for it to accept it`s faith and blow up, in Mech Warrior i used to aim for the "leg", in the strategy games i couldn`t really aim but I still saw some nice explosions.
This should be enough for now, i really need some time to digest some ideas for part2.